The Morning Woods – Awkward Times With a Young Son



I walk into our son’s room at 6:30 in the morning, turn on the light and wake him up.

Me: Let’s go to the potty.

Him: Nooooooooo!

Me: Come on dude. You gotta pee.

Him: Nooooooo!

I remove his pajama bottoms and lead him into the bathroom. The pull-up appears to contain no pee at first glance. I peak inside and sure enough it is dry. But his tiny three and a half year old johnson is rock hard.

Him: Nooo stop it.

Me: Your pull up is dry. You need to pee.

Him: I don’t want to pee it hurts.

Me: That’s because your p*nis is hard. Just pee (I recently learned that is tantamount to someone asking me to do physics. It ain’t gonna happen)


Me: Just chill and let it go man.

Him: Nooooo!

He makes a horribly pained face, whimpers one more time and finally pees.

Him: Why it do that? Why my p*nis do that? Why is it hard?

Me: Because blood goes into it.

Him: Why?

Did I mention the time. Yup, I told you it was 6 friggin 30 in the morning. How am I asked to break down the behavior of human reproductive parts to a three and a half year old before I have had my coffee???

Me: It just does. Flush the toilet and wash your hands.

Him: Do my hands to that? Do my legs do that?

Me: Nope just your p*nis.

Him: Why?

Me: Dude, ask your dad. He is an expert on this.

Dad is on a trip and will not be back until the following morning.

Now the kid is standing at the sink repeatedly tapping his p*nis with his finger and laughing.

Him: It’s funny.

Me: Yeah, a laugh riot.

I don’t know if I am supposed to be more supportive in situations like these. Surely some folks will say that I used a negative tone and could have been nicer. I could have been more caring and understanding.

Those folks can suck it.






Boys Are Gonna Do


Aaron’s boots as photographed by Ryan Johnson.


We kept ourselves in the dark when it came to the gender of our baby. Our ears were wide open in anticipation of the announcement during delivery – IT”S A BOY!

This weekend I got hit with some words of wisdom from this very boy while wandering the aisles of Target; or as we Pinkeltons call it Circle and Dot. We were discussing his best friend Josh and why they fight yet continue to be friends. Why they put each other into painful, rug burn resulting headlocks; but continue to be friends. His three and one half year old response to me was, “Mommy, boys are gonna do what boys are gonna do.”

I was there and I still can’t believe that he said these words. How can you respond to a statement like this? I was speechless.I grew up a girl, so I am unable to understand his behavior.  This is the type of knowledge only experience can bring. It is possible that I already have all of the information I need to know.

IT’S A BOY! And boys are gonna do what boys are gonna do.