I walk into our son’s room at 6:30 in the morning, turn on the light and wake him up.

Me: Let’s go to the potty.

Him: Nooooooooo!

Me: Come on dude. You gotta pee.

Him: Nooooooo!

I remove his pajama bottoms and lead him into the bathroom. The pull-up appears to contain no pee at first glance. I peak inside and sure enough it is dry. But his tiny three and a half year old johnson is rock hard.

Him: Nooo stop it.

Me: Your pull up is dry. You need to pee.

Him: I don’t want to pee it hurts.

Me: That’s because your p*nis is hard. Just pee (I recently learned that is tantamount to someone asking me to do physics. It ain’t gonna happen)

Him: OWWWWWWWWWWW!

Me: Just chill and let it go man.

Him: Nooooo!

He makes a horribly pained face, whimpers one more time and finally pees.

Him: Why it do that? Why my p*nis do that? Why is it hard?

Me: Because blood goes into it.

Him: Why?

Did I mention the time. Yup, I told you it was 6 friggin 30 in the morning. How am I asked to break down the behavior of human reproductive parts to a three and a half year old before I have had my coffee???

Me: It just does. Flush the toilet and wash your hands.

Him: Do my hands to that? Do my legs do that?

Me: Nope just your p*nis.

Him: Why?

Me: Dude, ask your dad. He is an expert on this.

Dad is on a trip and will not be back until the following morning.

Now the kid is standing at the sink repeatedly tapping his p*nis with his finger and laughing.

Him: It’s funny.

Me: Yeah, a laugh riot.

I don’t know if I am supposed to be more supportive in situations like these. Surely some folks will say that I used a negative tone and could have been nicer. I could have been more caring and understanding.

Those folks can suck it.