Capri Pants, or as I Like to Call Them…Agents of Satan

Everyone has his or her irrational fears and/or hatreds. My old roommate would not eat bread, as he could never find an actual point in history where it was invented. “When and why did man decide to beat grains, blend them with water and then bake the mush?” he asked.  Possibly he thought aliens sent it to us? I’m not sure. He also would never eat meat that had been cooked in its own juices. This gross description means that things like the ground beef in tacos or whatever meat you choose to bake into your lasagna had to be completely dried out with all oil and residual liquid (that does sound kind of bad) removed. He had no real reason for this one other than that it was gross to him. I think this falls into the category of irrational.
 
I on the other hand, have very rational hatreds. The top thing on the list is capri pants. The other things on the list are flip-flops, too tight t-shirts on anyone who has back fat rolls, and yard work. I will explain those in future posts; but for now I will focus on the number one offender.
 
Capri pants are the devil. I grew up thinking this as I am tall, 5′ 10ish, and would outgrow clothes quickly as a child. A new season would come around and I would try to fit into clothes from the previous year only to see that the pants were way past the “flood” stage. My mother called them pedal pushers but then would follow that with, “Get in the car we have to go shopping.” I thought the term was odd and I have always loved to shop so these kind of pants have always been wrong to me. The thing in your closet that needed to be replaced because it was broken.
 
People who know me are well aware of my complete avoidance of this so-called clothing. I say “so-called” as actually it is not a piece of clothing but a device planted by Satan to make women look like sh!t. Yes I said sh!t!  No other piece of clothing makes you look so bad so quickly. The point at which the pants end on your calves is the worst place pants or skirts can stop. If you have big calves they look even bigger and if you have skinny ones the rest of you looks like a blimp by comparison. Many of them are designed with tapered legs that give the immediate Humpty Dumpty effect. Tapered leg pants already have their own level in hell but when combined with capris it is the equivalent to fashion suicide. Who wants to accentuate the bigness of their bottoms? Maybe the Kardashians but I don’t even see those fame whores wearing them.
 
If you have a closet full of them don’t cry.  Simply pull out that credit card you have been saving for emergencies and get to shopping. Yes I said it and you have understood me correctly – Throw all of those things in the garbage. Why would you keep something around that makes you look so horrible? Would you wear a shirt that says “I am a squishy troll”? No? Well you are doing that very thing when you wear those pants. Let’s ditch them and make a more attractive you for the upcoming spring and summer months. 
 
You might be asking, “What are my options not that I have no bottoms left?” and my answer to that is EVERYTHING ELSE!!! Ankle length pants are really cute and are perfect to show off your cute new wedges, flats and sandals. Stick with a straight or slim leg with this one unless you are tall. Petite women in wide legged pants can look even shorter when these pants are worn. Full-length pants are also perfect for any body type. They can be found in all colors and the lightweight cotton and linen ones are always classic. 
 
Another option is skirts and there are so many cute options out there you should already have a few in your fashion arsenal. Once again, you are going to want to go with any length that doesn’t stop mid-calf. That is the danger zone for both pants and skirts. The long jersey-knit ones are perfect and if your legs aren’t the most perfect (some of us are klutzes) these hide imperfections while allowing the breeze blow down there. 
 
Additional approved choices are Bermuda shorts and mid length shorts. I will come out and say that I am a modest girl who does not always want to flaunt what the good Lord and too many Oreos have given me. That being said I generally avoid the new trend of short-shorts. Call me an old fashioned fuddy-duddy but some things should be left to the imagination. 
 
I once Tweeted about my hatred of capris and got the most flack for it. One woman even said, “I am 5’7” and weigh 170 pounds. Should I not wear them?” Do you know how hard it was for me to hold myself back from typing “GOD NO” in all caps as a response? And to those people who cry, “But they are so comfortable!!!” I have this response – A pig flailing in its own feces is comfortable too but you’re not going to see that on the cover of Vogue now are you? 
 
Case closed.  
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